A Mixture of Emotions

Well, the span of my experience here in Nepal is down to its final few moments. I’m not sure I had ever thought the last days would actually arrive, but now that it has I find my heart and mind to be rapidly flipping back and forth within a rather extreme range of emotions. It’s with great sadness that I’m leaving this place and saying goodbye to people who now feel very integral to my life. The connections I’ve made to some of my family and friends are stronger than I would’ve ever thought possible. The downside to this is that I will soon be living on the exact opposite side of the world and unable to see them anytime I want. But, the positive is that I know some of these relationships are now too strong to be broken by me moving some great distance away. They are lifelong bonds that I will always cherish. But at the very same time as I deal with the sadness of goodbyes, or perhaps a split-second before and after, I’m greatly excited about my upcoming adventure in Tibet / China and also know how happy I’ll be to be back at home when I finally reach there around the middle of July. It literally is only split-seconds in between these ecstatically happy and depressingly sad emotions, so it’s hard to say at any moment whether I’m more tempted to laugh, cry, dance, sulk, sing or wallow. At times I’ve attempted all of the above at once to the (unsurprising) result of confirming everyone’s view that I am, indeed, losing my mind.

First, to summarize Nepal. Though an impossible task, I would like to attempt to at least touch on what this experience has meant to me. When I think back to the beginning and all the daily confusions, uncertainties, tribulations, and unfamiliarities, I realize not only how far I’ve come in adjusting to this environment, but also in whole-heartedly embracing all that surrounds me here. Daily life in this no-longer-remotely-foreign land has come to feel perfectly natural. Second nature indeed. I will always be first of all Canadian, but I can’t help but feel a large part of me has now turned Nepali. [Wow, writing like this is difficult. I feel like none of my words are adequate to express what has happened in my time here. I now understand why every other volunteer blog I’ve ever read has merely trailed off before the end to leave all the readers hanging in the dark about how it all came to a close. Bear with me as I continue my attempt anyway.] In my time here I have learned a whole lot about myself, the world, and life itself. Being thrown into situations that are unexpected or often times unclear (due to language or other cultural barriers) is a great way for a person to find out how she will react to a huge range of circumstances. It forces a much closer look at oneself as many of the things we do without thinking or realizing can stand out as extremely odd in a place like this. And thus arises the question, “is it odd or not?”. “Which way is possibly the better way?” Then, of course, on the flip side are all the things people around here may do without thinking that struck me as different at first. There have just been so many stimulating thoughts to work out and ideas to consider. I’m glad I was able (and still amazed it was possible) to come for long enough that the thought of leaving didn’t even cross my mind for the bulk of my time here. That is what has allowed me to completely establish myself at the school, implement some long-term projects that I’m extremely proud of, totally immerse myself in the culture to explore all its fascinating depths and intricacies, gain great comfort with the language, and come to know and love many people here not only in their present condition, but also with full understanding of all their unique and varied histories. It’s also what makes it feel like such a painful uprooting at this point in time.

Now on to Tibet. I have a little over a week in between when I must leave Nepal (for visa reasons) and when my Tibetan volunteer project starts up, so after flying into Xining, China I’ll be going by train to tour around Lhasa and then on to the Everest Base Camp on the north side of the border with Nepal. It’ll be nice to have a brief journey as tourist to see at least a few things before joining up with a new host family and seeing more what daily Tibetan lifestyle is like. From Xining, where I’ll meet my host sister, it’s about a 14 hour bus ride in a southwesterly direction to what sounds like possibly one of the most remote places on earth. Having just attributed most of my joy and success here in Nepal to the length of time I was able to stay, it is with slight contradiction that I now head off for only a one month volunteering stint. Though I’m realistically aware of my limitations to make any substantial or lasting contributions in a short 4 week period, I’m still very much looking forward to the experience. I do hope to do some good, and my experience here will probably help me make the most of it, but it’s likely on this next stage I will gain a lot more from it for myself than I can ever hope to return. But I’ll give it my best shot anyway. The plan was to continue in the theme of teaching at a school, but the area was hit by a massive earthquake last spring and is still burdened by the recovery process. So along with teaching, there will likely be the chance to help rebuild as well. Once again, I find myself heading off into largely unknown territory with not much idea what exactly will be in store for me. Even after all this time in its next door neighbouring country, I have only vague notions about what this next stretch of time will be like. I’ll be sure provide as best descriptions as I can, though they may come quite a bit after the fact. I’m not sure how easily I might be able to find internet while there, and with the Chinese government being notoriously strict on internet censorship and that sort of thing, I likely won’t attempt another post until I’ve come back out again. So expect a bit of a hiatus until early July when I’ll be happy to provide a final recount of my experiences alongside the himalayas, this time from the other side. Namaste for now.